Valentine's Day: Lost Lovers Ball and Blue Velvet

What the hell is the point of Valentine's Day? Except as a starting point for single people to whine about how lonely they are or to brag about how confident they are in their singledom (which begs the question: how much sexual frustration can one person suppress?) If you're in a relationship and you need a socially recognized holiday to afford romance then it's time to realize that you don't love each other, and maybe never have. Tragic. It's a bit of a cliche to show off how much insight you have into the inner working of capitalism by bitching about the commercialization of Valentine's Day but there are only so many restaurants making sweet, sweet cash off humdrum couples you can walk past without it making your blood boil a little because for fuck's sake love is so much more than that.

Conversely, it's always fun to have an excuse to celebrate. The Secret Garden Party threw a party at derelict power station from the 1930s in Battersea and it was quite an erotic experience, in certain marquees, especially for the exhibitionist. In one tent, you could get your tit and/or ass photocopied (a good gift idea for the exhibitionist spouse). In another tent the exhibitionist could get tied, hung, swung and aroused with a vibratory device by a professional bondage (binding?) man. And finally, there was a tent where you could get your ass whipped by a dominatrix. The costume theme for the party was Tainted Love and whilst it verges on cheesiness, the Secret Garden Party crowd do a pretty good job with fancy dress.

The only drawback was the price of the ticket. 50 quid will buy you many, many boxes of chocolate and bottles of cheap wine. The economically challenged romantic may want to wander around town throwing rocks at couples, or watch a film. Due to the sensitive nature of the day, it is important to choose an appropriate film. Annie Hall or Before Sunrise, which are appropriate films for a couple to watch any other time of the year, suggest a lack of imagination on Valentine's. Go for Blue Velvet instead.



Trust David Lynch to turn romance into a strange, strange affair. To make the film experience extra exciting, try to figure out if your lover is a Sandy or a Dorothy. Is she a wholesome blonde (Laura Dern) or a sensual brunette (Isabella Rossellini)? Test your hypothesis in the bedroom. Does she enjoy being called mommy and getting hit across the face? Do you enjoy being called daddy, hitting her across the face and otherwise watching people suffer? You are a sick individual and deserve to be shot. In any case, Blue Velvet could be the best thing to happen to your sex life. It could open doors to figurative doors (orifices) you never thought existed.

There is so much more to romance than greeting cards and dining out. Use this Eros inspired holiday to explore your sexual desires instead. (For further inspiration, check out In the Realm of the Senses, a.k.a. Ai no korida.)