Valentine's Day: Lost Lovers Ball and Blue Velvet

What the hell is the point of Valentine's Day? Except as a starting point for single people to whine about how lonely they are or to brag about how confident they are in their singledom (which begs the question: how much sexual frustration can one person suppress?) If you're in a relationship and you need a socially recognized holiday to afford romance then it's time to realize that you don't love each other, and maybe never have. Tragic. It's a bit of a cliche to show off how much insight you have into the inner working of capitalism by bitching about the commercialization of Valentine's Day but there are only so many restaurants making sweet, sweet cash off humdrum couples you can walk past without it making your blood boil a little because for fuck's sake love is so much more than that.

Conversely, it's always fun to have an excuse to celebrate. The Secret Garden Party threw a party at derelict power station from the 1930s in Battersea and it was quite an erotic experience, in certain marquees, especially for the exhibitionist. In one tent, you could get your tit and/or ass photocopied (a good gift idea for the exhibitionist spouse). In another tent the exhibitionist could get tied, hung, swung and aroused with a vibratory device by a professional bondage (binding?) man. And finally, there was a tent where you could get your ass whipped by a dominatrix. The costume theme for the party was Tainted Love and whilst it verges on cheesiness, the Secret Garden Party crowd do a pretty good job with fancy dress.

The only drawback was the price of the ticket. 50 quid will buy you many, many boxes of chocolate and bottles of cheap wine. The economically challenged romantic may want to wander around town throwing rocks at couples, or watch a film. Due to the sensitive nature of the day, it is important to choose an appropriate film. Annie Hall or Before Sunrise, which are appropriate films for a couple to watch any other time of the year, suggest a lack of imagination on Valentine's. Go for Blue Velvet instead.



Trust David Lynch to turn romance into a strange, strange affair. To make the film experience extra exciting, try to figure out if your lover is a Sandy or a Dorothy. Is she a wholesome blonde (Laura Dern) or a sensual brunette (Isabella Rossellini)? Test your hypothesis in the bedroom. Does she enjoy being called mommy and getting hit across the face? Do you enjoy being called daddy, hitting her across the face and otherwise watching people suffer? You are a sick individual and deserve to be shot. In any case, Blue Velvet could be the best thing to happen to your sex life. It could open doors to figurative doors (orifices) you never thought existed.

There is so much more to romance than greeting cards and dining out. Use this Eros inspired holiday to explore your sexual desires instead. (For further inspiration, check out In the Realm of the Senses, a.k.a. Ai no korida.)

Happy Chinese Lunar New Year

Chinese New Year is our favorite non-Gregorian calender new year celebration. Our resident Chinese advises on the crucial customs:

1. THE CHINA CENTRAL TELEVISION NEW YEAR'S GALA. This is such an important element of the festivities that my parents used to import a DVD of this six hour variety show (before they invested in satellite TV). If you remember the 2008 Olympic opening ceremony, you will know that having a population of 1.3 billion people means that the Chinese can afford to give the word pompous a whole new meaning.



It brings laughter to billions of people, creates many popular words and produces lots of TV phenomena meriting attention. (From the CCTV website)

2. JIAOZI (a.k.a. dumplings). Making and eating dumplings is a session of bonding that is vital to the dynamics of the Chinese family; without dumplings, the core of the family is disrupted and we will be reduced to awkward strangers waving to each other from across the hallway.

Here's how:




Make the filling by mixing together mince pork and some sort of vegetable. Celery will do.



Add soy sauce and Chinese cooking wine. The latter is interchangeable with dry sherry. Don't drink it straight, it tastes rank.



Wrap the dough around the filling until you get this:



Throw them into a bot of boiling water, or saute them in a frying pan. Here we opted for the frying pan option.

3. RECEIVE MONEY FROM YOUR ELDERS. If you're a Chinese kid, this is where your annual budget comes from. The more elderly relatives you visit, the more red packets filled with money money cash dough you receive, the richer you are.

4. SET OFF FIRECRACKERS. Unfortunately, these are banned in the UK.

The Guardian on cultural elitism:

"one of the central functions of [the internet] has been to challenge authority – to provide a democratising voice against the custodians of official culture."

Yeah, you tell 'em, Neal Gabler