Blue Valentine (or: how to woo a girl in 2011)

For all those feeling lonely in this dreary month of January, you may want to go see Blue Valentine at the cinema. With a soundtrack by Grizzly Bear, and a cast consisting solely of Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams, this idealistic love film is dripping with credibility. So boys, if you emulate Ryan Gosling's character, you will get the quirky, interesting girl to fall in love with you, for that is how the real world works.

LOOK LIKE RYAN GOSLING. Thankfully, looking a bit like a tramp is friendly on the wallet. Hoodies cost £3 at your nearest charity shop, or free if you pick it off the street. Facial hair is still attractive despite its annoying ubiquity, and doesn't cost a penny.

GET A UKULELE. Every interesting, culturally aware kid has a ukulele these days. It doesn't matter that you can't play it. Just bring it around with you as an accessory. It shows that you're musical, but too unique for a guitar.

"HOW MUCH DOES A POLAR BEAR WEIGH? ENOUGH TO BREAK THE ICE!" Chat up lines are hilariously bad, but how else do you get a girl to notice you? Unfortunately, it's not socially acceptable to source her out on Facebook and send her a message from a fictional profile. You're better off using your skills of wit, because a witty exchange is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off. You want your first conversation to be a bit insulting, but humorous. Like so:

DEAN:
In my experience, the prettier a girl is, the more nuts she is, which makes you insane.
CINDY:
I like how you can compliment and insult somebody at the same time, in equal measure.

On a side note, it was once said by someone somewhere that crazy chicks are to men what dickheads are to women. A quasi-truism, perhaps.

MIXTAPE! Finally, the good ol' fashioned mixtape still works. There's nothing sweeter than boogieing with your gal to music from olden times.

Actually, Penny & The Quarters is a band formed in 2009. Here's their MySpace.

AND FINALLY, A BIT OF PAINFUL REALISM. If you base a relationship purely on the idealistic but ultimately superficial qualities of young love, it will fall apart. Infatuation's great, but eventually leads to a humdrum existence where your crazy chick turns into a wife and mother, and the relationship is no longer interesting. But whatever, it's best not to over-think these things and just have fun with it.